


The Peanut Gallery Laugheth

by gentlearmor



Series: Canon FFXV [3]
Category: Final Fantasy XV
Genre: A little language, Bromance, Gen, No Beta, unfortunate jokes
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-03
Updated: 2018-11-03
Packaged: 2019-08-16 23:12:05
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,886
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16504610
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gentlearmor/pseuds/gentlearmor
Summary: This is about the rite with which the future king's retainers gain their bond with the heir to the throne.Insert a lot of trolling.





	The Peanut Gallery Laugheth

**Author's Note:**

> Today was a really bad day for me, so I just wanted to take a moment and write something a little stupid.

The rite of the retainers to the future King of Lucis was something that not even Noctis Lucis Caelum knew the details of until the day it was chosen to happen.

A binding ritual in which the first people to funnel power from the heir would become his closest companions.

The thing Noctis did know was that he was damn lucky. Not every heir got to have their closest friends as their retainers. He read stories about the Rogue Queen didn’t even know her retainers until the day of the rite. She wasn’t the only one, either. His father’s legacy was one he hoped he could pass onto his heir, and they their heir, and so on.

The rite was scheduled to happen once Prompto Argentum finished his first round of training, which was a month long. He would be given a few months more training, and after that would be promoted officially to Crownsguard, and ready for the journey for Noctis’s wedding.

The rite was scheduled to start at nine in the morning. While Ignis Scientia, Gladiolus Amcitia and Prompto were there, bright and early, along with Clarus Amicitia, Cor Leonis and King Regis Lucis Caelum… everyone’s favorite prince was noticeably absent.

“I thought he came with you, Ignis?” Regis asked from up on his throne.

Ignis bowed out of respect. “Yes, your Majesty. He told me he had to run to the restroom—”

“Oh, for God’s sake,” Gladio bitched.

Regis sighed and shook his head. “Boys, will you please go get him?” he asked as he pinched the bridge of his nose.

“Of course,” Ignis said, bowing again, that time with Gladio and Prompto doing the same. He ignored how clumsy Prompto’s attempt was. “I apologize. I should’ve known better.”

“You needn’t apologize for his deceptions, Ignis, but thank you for the thought,” Regis said patiently, bowing his head in return.

The three left quickly, and once they were out the throne room’s doors, Prompto turned to bounce backwards, so he could look at the two. “Wow, King Regis really is a nice guy, isn’t he?”

“Indeed,” Ignis replied.

“We’re lucky to have him,” Gladio agreed. Prompto was a silly boy, but Gladio couldn’t deny his pride in the monarchy, which made the boy fine by him. Even if he was goofy as hell. Gladio knew Ignis shared that sentiment.

They made their way to the elevators, and then up to the room that the prince once occupied before moving out on his own. Ignis, in no mood to play games, burst into the room with the others behind him.

Sure enough, there was Noctis, faceplanted across his old bed from the side, arms straight out and snoring into the comforter. The hair he and Ignis fought about for half an hour was a mess, and his clothes were a disheveled mess.

“I got this,” Gladio said as he went for Noctis’s feet.

“Mind his back,” Ignis fussed.

“Iggy—stop. I got it,” Gladio said as he paused to wave Mommy down.

Ignis looked at Prompto. “And yet he had no problem making it to school,” he huffed.

“Oh, he slept for like the first hour, though,” Prompto told him, making the poor steward clutch his chest.

At the bed, Gladio latched onto the back of Noctis’s belt, as well as his shirt with his other hand, and picked him up easily off of the bed. Even though Noctis was already stirring to consciousness, Gladio swung him parallel to the floor, about a foot above it, and then dropped him.

Noctis smacked into the granite tiles hard and screamed out an, “Ow?!”

“Noct, it’s now fifteen after nine, and everyone’s ready for the rite besides you,” Ignis complained, not bothering to help him for the moment.

“I’m really tired! I needed more sleep!” Noctis bitched in kind as he pulled up to sit on the floor instead. He rubbed his nose miserably. While not the first casualty of the floor, it was one of its casualties.

“You were signed onto your gaming account until four this morning. You’ve done it to yourself,” Ignis retorted.

Noctis looked outright betrayed, not even reacting as Gladio grabbed his arms to hoist him to his feet as he stared at Ignis. “You fucking stalker.”

“That _is_ why I’m on the royal bank account.”

“Let’s go,” Gladio commanded, a hand on Noctis’s collar and pushing him for the door.

“But my hair—”

“Fix it on the way to the throne room, princess.”

——

It was with a wild flail and shamble that Noctis entered the throne room first, thrown through by Gladio. He gave a disgruntled noise and flipped off his Shield, before heading over to the space that faced the throne, surrounded by stairs up to it and the area of the court.

“So nice of you to join us, your Highness,” Cor called down from Regis’s left.

“Yeah, yeah. What do we have to do?” Noctis asked, throwing up a shrug. “Strip naked and run around, chanting to the Astrals or something?”

Clarus looked at Regis, amused, and the king shook his head with a quiet sigh. “I don’t know what you think this is, but it’s not something so…”

“Stupid,” Cor finished for him. Noctis gave him a snide, over-exaggerated look.

“You face your three retainers,” Regis said. He gestured to Noctis left. “Boys, if you would stand in a line there.”

They bowed—Gladio and Ignis stiff, prim and proper, while Prompto stumbled and quickly bowed just behind—and went to do as told. Noctis sighed and turned to them, staring at each of them with the amusement of the men above looking on. He was such a sour boy.

“Alright. What now?” Noctis pressed.

“They have to convince the Crystal of their devotion to the future King of Lucis,” Regis said.

“ _Miss me with that gay shit_ ,” Noctis blurted when Gladio got a devilish grin on his face.

“ _Noctis_ ,” Regis scolded, while Prompto looked horrified at Noctis saying that in front of such important people, and the Crystal, and the Throne…

Gladio and Ignis looked less horrified, like young men who expected that out of the wily prince. And mostly because, on the scale of homophobia, Noctis was way low on it. He just acted stupid in order to be a brat. Like the bitch he was.

Just to make Noctis all the more uncomfortable, Gladio said, “I’ll go first.” And then went to take a knee.

As Noctis watched him stoop down, he shook his head at him. “You’re the worst,” he said. “Literally the worst.”

His objections only fueled the fire of the desire to embarrass the hell out of him. So much so, that he didn’t notice his father looking at Regis and saying, “Well, this looks familiar,” and prompting a quiet chuckle out of the king.

“O’ Prince of Lucis!” Gladio declared loudly, grinning wildly.

“Look at you, acting like some theater student,” Noctis grumbled.

“To you, I wholeheartedly declare my loyalty, and my state of honor. To you, as your Shield, I dedicate my body to the role of protecting you from all harm—” Noctis looked like he was going to break a hole into the stone flooring, in order to crawl into it and die.

Prompto was just gawking.

Ignis was placid as always, although there was a small glint in his eyes that indicated that he was getting a great level of enjoyment out of watching that scene unfold.

“—I will always be your dedicated wingman should you decide to take advantage of your role as king and discover that your body is good for things other than sleeping—”

Noctis looked at Clarus. “Is it too late to take Iris on as my Shield?” he complained. Clarus rubbed at his mouth to keep from laughing.

Little did any of the boys know, the Crystal did have a sense of humor.

“—and, should it ever become part of my duty, I will consider it an honor to die for you, or beside you, whatever the case may be!” Gladio declared, channeling every shitty B-level protagonist he’d ever seen into his little speech.

“In. Credible,” Noctis blurted, staring at him.

To top off everything, Gladio reached a hand out to Noctis, who stepped back and stared at him like he was a mutant. “Prince Noctis! Will you do me the honor of allowing me to be your Shield for now and always?!”

Noctis wanted to slap his hand and ground him for that, but he didn’t know if there were re-dos. Of course he wanted the giant mutant that was Gladiolus Amicitia to be his Shield, but goddamn, did he think he was funny.

“Fine! Get up and stop doing that!” the prince shouted, slapping Gladio’s hand away. God, he was so glad the court wasn’t there, or they didn’t have to do the rite in front of more than the three older men.

Gladio cackled and went to stand, looking up at the onlookers. “I’m going to do a serious one now.”

“No need to,” Regis said, smiling warmly to him. “The Crystal knows your heart in your words.”

“Gladio, your eyes,” Ignis remarked with great interest.

“What about ‘em?”

Noctis leaned to the side to get a look, finding they had shifted from their chocolate brown color to a deep pinkish red, almost as the Crystal itself. “Whoa,” he said wondrously. “Is that how we know it’s working?”

“Indeed,” Regis said.

“Means the Crystal’s thinking about it,” Cor added in his gruff, monotone tone that always made it hard to know if he was joking or not.

Gladio stared at Cor, while Prompto raised his hand nervously. “Can I go next?”

“Only if you outdo Gladiolus,” Ignis remarked, looking around the larger man to Prompto.

“I don’t think anyone can outdo Gladio,” Prompto laughed meekly.

“Please, don’t try to outdo Gladio. Can we not make this a ‘Who can propose better to Noct’ competition,” Noctis begged.

“Buddy,” Prompto said, stunned. “You know you can’t say that and expect us to listen!”

“See? He’s perfect for the job,” Gladio snorted.

“You’re both fired,” Noctis protested.

Prompto stepped forward and grabbed both of Noctis’s hands, Gladio bursting out laughing and clapping a few times. Noctis stared at Prompto, somewhere between a homicidal rage and disbelief. Up with the elder men, Clarus chuckled and shook his head, looking at the other two.

“Noct, you’re my best friend,” Prompto said, staring at Noctis’s eyes. “And you’re like… important and stuff to the survival of the country, but really, what’s a little downfall compared to being someone’s _best bud_ , amirite?”

“I’m being hazed right now,” was Noctis’s response. “I feel so attacked right now.”

“As such, I’m gonna do everything for you!” By that point, Prompto was in so close, holding their hands up between them like giddy schoolgirls would when talking about boys. “You can rely on me always being there!”

“And by ‘always being there’, you mean at a safe distance with your weapons ready, right?” Cor reminded Prompto. Even though he was putting the kid through the ringer in his Crownsguard crash course, it took years of nonstop training and dedication to get to the level of Gladiolus and Ignis. No one standing up there were in the business of expecting young men with a sliver of training to throw himself into the middle of battle.

“Yes, of course, sir!” Prompto confirmed. “But those weapons’ll be drawn to protect Noct first and foremost!” He grinned wildly at Noctis. “If nothing else, we need you to get to your wedding safe and sound, my boy!”

“Right.” Noctis paused and stared as the same color Gladio’s eyes had changed into trickled into, over Prompto’s blues. “Oh wow. The Crystal must be _laughing its ass off._ ” At least he’d be able to get a serious moment out of Ignis, and not one that was violating.

Yes.

‘Violating’.

“What, is it—?” Prompto whipped out his phone and turned on the front camera. One sight of his eyes, and he let out a victorious, “Yes!” as he bounced around a bit. Then, as if just then remembering where he was, he coughed and bowed to the men up above and returned to his spot next to Gladio. “Sorry,” he apologized.

Regis chuckled, ever benevolent. “I’m glad his enthusiasm is so high,” he commented to Clarus.

“Indeed. He reminds me of another young man, once upon a time.”

Cor shot them both a look, while Ignis straightened himself at the shoulders.

“Iggy, I swear to every god you pray to…” Noctis warned.

“Noct, please,” Ignis said, sounding quite offended. “I’ve little to say, as I believe actions are louder than words. All I can do is swear fealty and my undying patience to you when you refuse to get up before the crack of afternoon, and manage to make your apartment look as though a blind man has been staggering around in his own filth for a year, in just the span of a week.” Noctis’s eyes spaced out at that, because Ignis was just a more refined troll to the other two. “I will stand with you, and in front of you, for as long as you need me to do your laundry and offer my plate for you to pile unwanted vegetables in restaurants onto since you haven’t an idea that the bread plate is used for that.”

“I want new retainers,” Noctis complained. When Ignis’s eyes trickled over with that color, Noctis turned and pointed over Regis’s head, at the Crystal. “Well, I’m glad you find it funny!!”

“The Crystal takes the words spoken and the actions taken in this room, and reads the hearts and the minds of those who declare themselves true to the heir to the throne,” Regis said calmly. “Through jokes and marriage proposals, it knows what those words and actions truly mean. It has deemed these young men worthy and true-hearted in their allegiance to you, and to the kingdom of Lucis, Prince Noctis. Step up to your retainers. Shake their hands and welcome them to share the power the Crystal shares with you.”

Noctis made a face and went to Prompto first. Prompto held out his hand, and Noctis went to grip his forearm instead, as he knew that much was proper in the rite from harassing Cor non-stop.

Prompto was surprised at that, but took his forearm in exchange, and watched him expectantly.

“Prompto, you’re one of only three now,” Noctis said to him. “So you better take really embarrassing pictures of Gladio and Iggy when we leave for Altissia.” As he spoke, his own eyes shifted. Not to the same dark pink/red as the retainers, but to a dangerous blood red, while his arm lit up in the blue, ghosting light that engulfed him when he used his abilities to warp and phase. The powered light spiraled up around his arm, and over Prompto’s. The warm, welcoming sensation of the light entering his skin made him laugh a bit in surprise.

“Is that what it feels like?”

“Every time,” Noctis confirmed.

As the light ceased leaving Noctis’s body, but remained spiraling around his arm, he went to step in front of Gladio. They grasped one another’s forearms, and Noctis said, “You’re an asshole, but I can’t think of anyone else who’s almost as big as a damn dualhorn who’s better for the job as Shield. I’d still take Iris over you, though.”

That spiral of powers came and went, and Noctis tried to move to Ignis. He was allowed to, though not before Gladio yanked him in and gave him an excessively disgusting kiss on the cheek, making the prince scream and pull away with a flail. He rapidly wiped at his cheek with his collar, shouting, “I change my mind!”

Gladio laughed, as did his father, who shook his head. Gladio was screwing with Noctis so much, and it was amusing him. Regis and Cor as well, even if they were quieter about it.

Grouching and decontaminated, Noctis went to Ignis to shake his hand. “Don’t betray me, Scientia. Don’t follow in Gladiolus’s footsteps.”

“Never,” Ignis promised. “I shant risk losing the honor of folding your underwear. After his power transmitted to Ignis, they released one another as Ignis went to touch where the power entered his body. “Certainly an exceptional sensation.”

“No joke,” Gladio remarked.

“We’ll train on your newfound abilities starting tomorrow,” Cor said to the three, while Prompto watched his eyes return to normal through his phone’s camera. “Though, I regret to inform you that his Highness will also be assisting in teaching you.”

The dark cackle that escaped Noctis made the three stare at him.

That was a backfire, ladies and gentlemen.

Noctis swooped in, and hauled off, punching Gladio so hard in the chest that the collision echoed through his lungs and out his mouth. And then he turned to walk away, throwing a wave over his shoulder. “I’m goin’ back to bed. This was exhausting,” he called, ignoring as Gladio rubbed his chest and winced.

At least it was going to be well worth it, their comeuppance.

“You okay, big guy?” Prompto asked.

“Oh yeah,” Gladio heaved, grinning and standing straight. “It’s gonna leave a mark, though.”

**Author's Note:**

> If you ever want to find me, I'm over at terminalsonata.tumblr.com


End file.
